ASK THE DIVORCE COACH, SUSAN ALLAN
WHO SURVIVES DIVORCE AND WHY?
For many who have experienced divorce, LOVE = PAIN. Until you have moved past those stories of suffering and healed yourself, you may find yourself doing anything and everything to defeat love. Thus, if you are truly interested in co-creating your new life with a partner, what comes first and what comes next is of utmost importance for you. The first step in divorce may be survival; and as soon as that is accomplished, it is time to begin the work of healing.
There are 7 Stages of Divorce, Panic, Denial, Agony, Rage, Epiphany, Negotiation and Peace. For some, divorce is a life saver, for some, there is the danger of drowning, where are you?
When we marry, we hope that it will last forever but for most of us, that is not a reality. The average length of marriage in The United States is only seven years. The percentage of the population affected by divorce is approaching 100% because wherever we look; in our families; in our offices; and among our friends we see the results of the unresolved suffering of divorce.
Sometimes the pain is financial where the loss of income renders more than half of all divorces homeless, a word even more frightening to us than the word, "divorce". In each case of divorce, there may be a deep disappointment, or anger or fear or sadness that we must healed before another relationship can thrive and that is one of the purposes of the work of The Marriage Forum, Inc..
Dear Divorce Coach',
When I married, I was looking for a job and my then boyfriend told me not to worry. We decided to have a child who is now 4 years old. My husband said not to worry about money. Now he's leaving us and I'm in a panic. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Mad Mom
Dear Mad,
I feel grateful that you are seeing the financial reality that faces many women though I can imagine that you feel terrified by this situation. First you must see the truth and then you will find the solution. Before marriage, many women are in financial difficulty and marriage looks like a viable solution. After they have children, their financial situation may become even worse if they do not understand what you have just discovered. Statistics show that for many women, marriage and motherhood drags them below the poverty line. Without knowing the details of your finances, the duration of marriage etc. I advise you to proceed with legal advice in your state to receive the court awarded support your story dictates. At the very same time, you must contemplate how you will be supporting yourself within a few years as most states now discourage lengthy spousal benefits unless there is a long-term marriage and ample funds available for distribution to both parties.
Sincerely,
Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach
Dear Divorce Coach,
When my wife left, I thought it was the best thing for me. I thought I would be just fine. But every month that has passed, I feel worse. Every time I look at our daughter, I think of my wife and I feel angry and hurt. What can I do?
Signed,
Distraught Dad
Dear Distraught,
Often, RAGE and DENIAL, 2 of The 7 Stages of Divorce, carry one spouse out the door. On the other side, we awaken to the other feelings; AGONY and PANIC.
When I teach clients Nonviolent Communication SM they begin to discover their own needs that were not met during the marriage. Once you can experience your own disappointment before the separation, you will have a starting place for inner peace. For some, they discover that their current spouse is the best person to meet those needs, once some new skill-set have been learned and they begin the process of reconciliation, sometimes clients see the great benefits of moving on; only you and your wife can see this for yourselves.
Sincerely,
Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach
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