THE 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE are: PANIC, DENIAL, AGONY, RAGE, EPIPHANY, NEGOTIATION and PEACE
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STAGE IV RAGE: RAGE is violent and uncontrolled anger. It may be the reasonable human reaction to traumatic events but we must learn to process our anger responsibly and completely in order to reach PEACE for our self and for our family.
"While feelings of RAGE towards one's spouse are often part of the divorce process, such feelings need to be curbed or held in check in the legal proceedings 'Expressions of rage' as part of the legal proceeding are counterproductive and can often lead to adverse consequences." Mark Patt, Esq. Managing partner of Trope and Trope
Today, if you are trapped in RAGE, you would be willing to speak on your husband's behalf; at his funeral! Or when you think of your wife, do you imagine her choking on the money you are being forced to pay her? You may have zero tolerance now and that is because divorce can seem like a "hostile takeover". However, can you remember that RAGE will hurt you and your children more than it hurts your spouse? During dangerous divorces, a violent temper may become the first step to a violent death; yours not your victim's.
Some days you feel that you would rather kill than be killed. There are so many conflicting feelings which reflect our contradictory needs during RAGE. Your friends will insist that you maintain sanity but when you are blinded by RAGE, how will you remember self-control? When you are in the belly of the beast, up to your eyeballs in the physical attachment you may feel, how can you handle these emotions without doing anything crazy? One of you plans the no-fault divorce; the other schedules a near-death experience; how can you cope? This is all perfectly normal; it's called divorce!
Dear Divorce Coach,
My daughter is married to a man who has tantrums. He is a good provider but he has a temper and he screams. She loves him but I worry about her safety. What are her rights?
Mother and Law
The laws for spousal abuse in California and many other states have changed radically since the death of Nicole Brown Simpson. You don't mention physical threats or injury to your daughter but your daughter should know that a call to 911 has become a serious commitment to prosecution as it never was before. Arrests now result in a high percentage of convictions. I would urge her to learn Nonviolent Communication SM which I teach to husbands and wives and also to inmates in the California Correction and Rehabilitation Program known as MERIT. Otherwise, even conversations requesting couples therapy or Anger Management Training for her husband can become the dangerous situation that she is seeking to avoid. Nonviolent Communication SM has been used on 5 continents for the last 40 years and offers a new way of listening to the needs of others and to our own needs so that solutions are found without danger and arguments.
The Divorce Coach
Dear Divorce Coach,
I discovered an erotic love letter to my wife and confronted her. She began to yell and to punch me. She threatened to kill me; to leave and to take our child. I have never seen her like this. If I push her, she'll leave but if I don't, she'll continue the affair. And maybe she'll leave anyway. And I can't have her raging in front of our daughter.
You may wish you could control your wife. However, with the exception of Restraining Orders and police intervention, your power lies in speaking calmly and compassionately with her instead of accusations and confrontations. The techniques of Nonviolent Communication that I offer clients worldwide and that I offer in free 1 hr. telephone coaching sessions teach you the basics. When you learn how to listen to her needs and AFTER that, when she's ready to listen, to tell her your own, the possibility of compromise appears. I also encourage you to discuss these issues when you are alone with your wife and your daughter is elsewhere and to either acquire new skills before generating this talk or to do so in the presence of a counselor or minister.
The Divorce Coach
Dear Divorce Coach
When I heard how much alimony my wife is asking for; I became furious. The reason we are divorcing is that she has gone through most of our savings while she tried to start a new business. Now I have learned from her that the court will probably require me to sell the house just to keep her going. Is there anything that I can do about this alimony formula?
Often, a spouse will accept a mediated settlement without going to court so that large sums are not expended on attorneys and honestly, so that more money is received by that spouse. There is a very sensitive touch required here because if you seem too soft, she may feel powerful and want to wait for court. On the other hand if you make it clear that you just don't have more than you're offering and that she can't get "blood from a stone" etc., and appear truly committed to her well-being, you may triumph. I am also guessing that you didn't have your wife sign a loan document or make you a partner in her business etc. before freeing the money for her start-up, however, if you are in a community property state, most likely you have some good news coming to you that a 1-2 hr. consultation with a family attorney so that he/she can review the appropriate business and marital documents. If you are not satisfied with the attorney's responses based on asking for and receiving information about legal precedents and case law use our free referral service at TheDivorceForum.com and don't hire any attorney until you have the data you need to make the appropriate decision. Having an attorney tell you his or her opinion is not the answer you need; it is the legal precedents and case law in your state that counts.
The Divorce Coach
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